I lost my original of this blog post so I'm going to try to recreate it as best I can remember.

In February of 2008, my husband, Tony, and I decided to try for one more child.  We already had 4 girls, a Virgo, a Cancer, a Gemini, and another Cancer.  He is a Cancer and I am Scorpio.  That makes 1 air, 1 earth and 4 water!  That's a lot of water in a house with that many women.  lol  We wanted to try for a fire sign, the only one not represented in our house.  We figured we would go for a Sagittarius baby, another change from all my summer babies.  On March 10th, I took a test before anyone else got up.  It was positive!  I got back in bed and just grinned at my husband.  I woke him up and just said, "Good morning Daddy." with that silly grin on my face.  He knew what I meant!  :-)

Everything was going well, although I noticed at 7 or 8 weeks that my morning sickness symptoms (which are usually pretty strong) had started to diminish.  I thought it might be because I was taking a very good whole food prenatal vitamin.  I've had some trouble with a variety of the prescription ones in the past.  Then one morning, I got busy doing stuff and didn't realize that I hadn't eaten breakfast by noon.  An impossibility in other pregnancies.  I tried not to worry about it too much, I come from a long line of worriers so sometimes it's hard for me to tell the difference between a true gut feeling and one of those kinds of worries.

On Friday, April 17th, I had my first appt with my midwives.  I was so excited to see them again, I'd missed them a lot since Thalea's pregnancy and birth.  I was a little disappointed that we couldn't hear the heartbeat at the appt, but not terribly surprised as it was early and I'm not exactly skinny.  Everything else was fine.  After my appt, I went to a friend's house.  She'd borrowed my maternity clothes and was ready to give them back, just in time, my regular clothes were already getting tight!  I took them home and get them ready to put away in my dresser and closet.  After dinner Tony and I sat down to watch a movie.  I felt a very sharp pin-like stabbing pain right in my cervix.  This is a common sign of cervical dilation.  It was so sudden that it took my breath away for a second.  I tried to dismiss it, strange things hurt in your 5th pregnancy.  Then it happened again.  It only lasted for about 15 seconds each time.  Again, I tried to dismiss it.

The next morning I got up at 6:30am to go to the bathroom and there was a little blood on the tp.  This was a first for me and freaked me out.  I went back to bed and tried to go back to sleep.  Yeah, right.  I got up at 7:30 again to go to the bathroom.  Still spotting.  I made myself wait until 8 am to wake Tony up.  I told him we needed to go to the ER to make sure everything was ok.  I'd never had this happen before and was freaking out.  I called my midwife and she agreed it was a good idea to get everything checked out.  She is two hours away from us, so not exactly convenient to run to her office, she doesn't have an ultrasound machine anyways.

We get to the ER, didn't have to wait long to get into a room.  They drew blood, which is always a treat for me.  I warned the nurse that I don't always react well to it.  It's not psychological, purely physiological.  I warned her that I have fainted in the past.  That always makes them nervous, but I want them to be prepared.  She blew the first vein she tried in the back of my right hand.  Finally, got one in the inside of my left elbow.  I was impressed she did it on the second try, usually takes people 3-4 tries.  She got the blood she needed and left a Hep-lock in just in case.

The admitting person came in.  She got all of my information.  When I told her what my insurance was she mentioned that the ER takes my insurance, but the hospital itself doesn't.  Ok, fine, good to know.  Then she went on a 5 minute rant about even with the ER bills my insurance they never get paid, etc.  I remember sitting there trying to figure out how this was my problem.  Finally, she left.

The nurse came back and asked me to get naked so the doctor could feel me up.  [No, that isn't really what she said, but that's how I feel when they do internal exams.]  I did and the doctor came in, checked me out, said my cervix still felt high and tight.  That's a good thing.  He explained that they had to wait for my blood work to come back before they would send me for an ultrasound.  If my hormones were already dropping, then there would be no point for the ultrasound.  Waiting for the blood work to come back took forever!  I think it was at least an hour.  Tony and I tried to talk about anything to occupy our minds.

The nurse came and said they didn't have a final count on my blood work, but it was high enough to warrant the ultrasound.  By this time, I was really feeling quite silly and was sure that everything was fine.

We got back to radiology.  The tech took me into her little office and explained to me that she would not tell me anything positive or negative about what she saw.  She would just take the pics the doctor asked for and take all of that to him.  I really thought this was quite silly.  I've seen enough ultrasounds to know what to look for, she didn't need to explain anything to me.  She kept a great poker face.  When she was done she took us back to our room in the ER.

Again, we waited for the doctor to come back and tell us what was going on.  My mom called my cell while we were waiting, Tony took it outside to give her a quick update.  The doc came back just before Tony.  As soon as the doctor sat down, I knew what he was going to say.  I don't remember all of what he said, but he explained that I had a blighted ovum.  The placenta develops, the amniotic sac develops, the umbilical cord even starts to develop, just no baby.  The doctor kept going on, explaining the "dna just didn't line up right" and "since there was no baby, nobody died".  Was that supposed to make me feel better and magically stop crying?  Oh, Ok Doc!  That's great!  While I jump down off the table and whistle a happy tune while I waltz out of the ER.  :-(  When did they stop teaching doctors bedside manners?  I wanted so badly to scream at him to shut up.  The doctor told me what to expect and what to watch for.  Then he finally shut up and left.

We left the ER.  We had to stop at Kroger's for a few things before we went home.  I called my midwife and told her what the doc said.  Called my mom back and told her.  Finally, got home and I just laid in bed for I don't know how long, praying it was just a bad dream.  The rest of the day was a blur, as was most of Saturday.  Morgan and Shayna went to their dad's for the weekend and Brittany went to my mom's, she had zoo stuff scheduled all weekend.  So it was just Tony, Thalea and I, it was nice and quiet.

Labor started Sunday morning.  Yes, you do labor with miscarriages, they aren't cramps, they are contractions.  No, they don't always hurt as bad as full term labor, but it's still labor.  The bleeding started shortly after.  Even though I was sad because it was the unexpected end of this pregnancy, I was in awe of my body, doing exactly what it needed to do, what it was supposed to do.  Tony had stayed home with me Friday and Saturday, but I told him to go to work on Sunday.  I didn't know when things were going to get moving or how long it was going to take.  Morgan and Shayna got home right before my labor started getting strong.  That was helpful, they were able to handle Thalea while I was back and forth to the bathroom.  By this time, I was passing a lot of blood, clots and tissue.  I called Tony home somewhere around 8pm.  I had been in contact with my midwives throughout the weekend, keeping them updated and all that.  I spoke to them a few times after my labor got strong because I was bleeding a lot, more than I thought I should have been, but I was still feeling fine.  They gave me several suggestions for things I could do at home to try to get the bleeding to slow down.  I think my favorite was the cinnamon tea.  That tasted pretty good.  However, my bleeding still didn't slow down.  I called my sister around 11pm, I think, to come sit with the girls while Tony took me to the ER.  I had started to get dizzy on one of my trips to the bathroom.  I double checked to make sure which of the local hospitals took our insurance so I wouldn't get THAT speech again.

We left our house at 11:30pm and drove through thick fog to get to the hospital.  The nurse I got there was wonderful!  I told her the drama about my IV issues.  She got it on the first try!  And it didn't even hurt!  I was thrilled.  They put me on IV fluids for the blood loss.  As soon as I got there the bleeding slowed dramatically.  I was happy, but feeling like I was wasting everyone's time.  The nurse and I both wanted to make sure it wasn't going to pick back up though.  They checked my hormone levels again, they had already dropped dramatically from Friday's test.  The doc had talked to us, he wasn't very nice so I didn't mind that he only came in the room once or twice.  The bleeding did not pick back up.  They let us go back home around 3:30am and drove through the worst fog I think I've ever seen.

Monday came with my hormones bottoming out.  Luckily, I was able to just kind of zone out, I figured that might be a little better for the kids rather than seeing me sitting on the couch crying all day.  :-(

Tony tried to do whatever he could to help me physically and emotionally.  He really did a good job.  I ended up falling into a depression that lasted for just about 4 months.  I'm prone to depression so I have to be aware of it starting, how long it's lasting, if it doesn't look like it's going to end on it's own, etc.  About three months after the miscarriage I finally started seeing a counselor, I'd realized that beside the miscarriage, I'd experienced 12 stressful life events in the last 14 months.  Two weeks after that, I started a homeopathic remedy that I'd worked out for myself.  My therapist strongly recommended that I see their psychiatrist to see if medication would be recommended.  I am against taking pharmaceuticals for myself, I don't like what they do to me and I've proven time and again that I can deal with depression on my own or with homeopathy.  Since this one was being more difficult to deal with on my own, I went for homeopathy.  Some people will argue that it doesn't work, that it's all in your head.  Well, if my head is my problem, then I really don't care if the homeopathy really works or not!  lol

Today is August 26th, 2008 and Tony and I are looking forward to trying to conceive again.  My midwives suggested waiting for 3 cycles to pass before trying again.  We are waiting a little longer due to some financial issues.  I hope I don't miscarry again.